I am writing this record in hopes that it will reach personal relations should I perish in the coming days. Know that my actions are done of my own free will, and I hope that this journal will help those close to me understand why I must do what I am about to do.
~Dovienya

Day 1, Wednesday

My thinking has been less than stable since the trip to Ishgard, and I seem to have made a mistake while intoxicated. While I do not clearly remember the finer details, after speaking with Master Vevekera I have enough details in place to conclude that I have unwittingly revealed a great deal of information to him–and myself. I find myself numb from the experience, but I do believe Master Vevekera to be an honest, if not blunt man–a trait I can admire. Orin seems to corroborate his account of my..actions as well.

I believe that we are more honest when our self control has been cast aside–and as such, I seem to have come to the realization that I have been running from for the past nineteen years. I have always claimed that I found no joy in killing, that it simply was a means of dispensing justice to the wicked. Even now I can remember my first kill during my 20th summer, it was an exquisitely horrifying and thrilling experience. As the years passed, however, and the fighting grew less and less distinct, the horror subsided to numbness, then from the numbness I began to long for it. I never found any satisfaction in the teachings of my mother. But fighting was something I excelled at, the frenzy of battle made me feel alive, truly alive.

This joy horrified me, the part of me that was still the young girl reading of adventure in her father's library… When I took up the axe, its will fed upon her doubt. Instead of fighting for control, that naive young girl locked herself away in the back of my mind, sheltering herself from the tormenting voices manifested by the fragments of consciousness contained within.

The voices of the axe are still there, locked away behind a barrier that is weakening every day. I had wished there was more time to prepare myself for what is to come, but time is ever becoming more rare and precious. It is time I complete the ritual I began long ago. I have donned my old armor and have taken the cursed axe, I will seek out the Conjurer Dusk in Ishgard–alone.

– To my husband, I do not ask for your forgiveness in what I do. Instead, trust in my belief that this is a task that I must accomplish on my own. You are forever in my thoughts.

-Dovienya

Day 2, Thusday

The journey was long and hard, Zoldof will be unsuitable for another journey for a few days, but I have found Dusk. Our reunion was what I had expected it to be, a mixture of awkward silences and happy nostalgia. Apparently the activities of my Remnant companions have done little to deter the pursuers from Vorai. They had left a swath of terrified and demoralized mercenaries in their path. One leading straight to the former hideout of Dusk. (A side note is written as a reminder to talk with Vevekera and Marcus regarding their tactics in future forays.) When I had arrived, there was naught left but the husk of a burned out shack. Many bodies remained, left unburied on the ice. Apparently Dusk had to take up his staff, and still barely managed escaped unscathed. It was not too difficult to track his movement to his new lair, a point he was particularly grumpy about. Regardless–I believe he was happy to see me again.

After pleasantries, we had spent much of the evening talking. He seemed sad and relieved to hear of my conclusions. But was perplexed by some of the notions I had come to. He had revealed much to me, something that in his words, 'Something you should have come to on your own before you were ever able to lay a glance on the axe, fool girl'.

It seems that I had interpreted my master's teachings incorrectly for many years. The axe, it is not a force of malevolence on its own–it requires a host, it is simply acting in the way it was meant to. When the axe is joined, the contentiousness and memories of the axe meld with the thoughts and personality of its wielder; this melding creates a new joined individual. However, if a part of your mind is not at peace with who you are, that part of your mind is locked away. This is a not malicious intent from the axe–it is meant to protect the consciousness of its' wielder, to keep their vulnerable sanity intact.

When I had taken up my master's weapon, the part of me unwilling to condone my actions was set aside, the rest of me–the anger, rage, hatred, joined with the axe. I had truly become a monster of my own making. I had needed these two halves of myself to be at peace with one another. Only then could have the means of controlling the will of the weapon.

The barrier in my mind is locking away the other part of me–the me that the axe controlled. As such, until that barrier is released there can be no reconciliation between my two selves. Dusk says he cannot undo what he has done, and that I will need to break this barrier on my own.

Tomorrow we will seek to do this. Crim is still detained on the frozen lake, Dusk and I will free him–or die in the attempt.

-Dovienya

Day 3, Thursday

The barrier is gone.

Crim is dead.

I feel..cold.